Over the Moon Read online

  So our ceiling may be leaky,

  but the furniture’s antiquey.

  So our front room is our back room,

  but you never have to vacuum!

  This is our home, sweet home.

  Please do feel free to roam.

  As it will soon be known,

  Home, sweet home!

  INSTRUMENTAL BREAK

  Then Hugo enters with ukulele:

  I can see it may be too late

  to accept me as a roommate.

  I may be a little biased,

  but don’t hate us till you’ve tried us.

  This is our home, sweet home.

  Please do feel free to roam.

  As it will soon be known,

  Home, sweet home!

  ALL:

  This is our home, sweet home.

  Please do feel free to roam.

  As it will soon be known,

  Home, sweet home!

  Felicity exits, screaming.

  MAMA BEAR

  But we haven’t gotten to the reprise!

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Maybe she isn’t a fan of the ukulele.

  HUGO

  I TOLD YOU SO!!!!

  They slink away.

  HUGO (CONT’D)

  I might as well just accept it. I’m a freak. Sure, I’ll know it’s raining before anyone else does. . .and there’s the occasional slam dunk. . .but I’ll never be the man I used to be. And who could fall in love with THIS?

  SONG 14: IT’S LONELY AT THE TOP

  HUGO:

  Look, how I’m standing alone here

  even when there’s a crowd,

  and if you listen, you can hear my heart break with

  words I can’t speak out loud.

  Where’s that someone who is long overdue,

  that fine kind of love that won’t stop?

  Here, I’ve been waiting a lifetime.

  It’s lonely at the top.

  Sure, I’m a taste that’s acquired,

  No fairy-tale white knight.

  I need a princess who sees under the surface,

  a love at second sight.

  Where’s that someone who will try something new?

  No need to comparison shop.

  Here, I’ve been waiting a lifetime.

  It’s lonely at the top.

  BRIDGE

  Out there is someone who will love me just for me.

  Out there is a future full of possibility.

  Still, for every salt there’s a pepper.

  Each Sonny has a Cher.

  For every jelly, there’s some smooth peanut butter.

  The world is full of pairs.

  Where’s that someone who can make this one two?

  A partner who I’ll never swap.

  Dear, I’ve been waiting a lifetime.

  It’s lonely at the top.

  SCENE 3: The Enchanted Forest

  DURING SCENE CHANGE:

  NEWSBOY

  Get your news here! Princess bruised; sues frozen pea manufacturer!

  A tower, with a ladder propped up against it. THREE PIGS wearing construction helmets are arguing over blueprints. A WOLF stands nearby.

  PORKY

  Hey, can you get me some 2x4s?

  HAMLET

  Sure. How long do you need them?

  PORKY

  Better make it a few months. I gotta build a whole staircase, here.

  FRANCIS BACON

  Well, be careful. I heard about a guy who lost his whole left side in a construction accident.

  (beat)

  He’s all right now.

  Luna and Jack walk in.

  LUNA

  Oh no! It’s a swine flu quarantine zone!

  The wolf approaches Luna and Prince Jack.

  BLITZER

  I’m afraid you can’t be here.

  LUNA

  (to Jack)

  I told you so.

  BLITZER

  I’m Wolf Blitzer, foreman of [name of local construction company], and this is an active work. . .

  (looooong beat)

  . . .Zone.

  PRINCE JACK

  What’s with the big pause?

  Blitzer holds up his hands in front of him.

  BLITZER

  I dunno. I was born with them.

  Suddenly a hairbrush gets thrown down from the tower and hits Prince Jack. RAPUNZEL, wearing a head scarf, appears.

  RAPUNZEL

  You lazy, boneheaded good-for-nothing!

  (beat)

  Oh. Sorry. You’re not Sheldon.

  LUNA

  Who’s Sheldon?

  RAPUNZEL

  The lazy, boneheaded good-for-nothing who was supposed to rescue me from this tower by moonlight. But there was no moonlight, so what did he do?

  PRINCE JACK

  I give up.

  RAPUNZEL

  ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

  PRINCE SHELDON runs in.

  PRINCE SHELDON

  Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your long hair, my love!

  RAPUNZEL

  You’re too late, Sheldon.

  PRINCE SHELDON

  I swear by the moon, Rapunzel --

  RAPUNZEL

  Fat lot of good THAT’LL do you!

  LUNA

  (her bag glows, then fades)

  Oh my gosh! No moonlight! I never realized. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  I know! Girls can be so irrational!

  LUNA

  Irrational!?

  RAPUNZEL

  Irrational?!

  PRINCE SHELDON

  Why is this construction crew here?

  RAPUNZEL

  I hired them.

  She takes off her scarf -- her hair is short.

  PRINCE SHELDON

  (gasps)

  You cut your beautiful hair?!

  RAPUNZEL

  Yes! I traded it to a wig maker for cash. Turns out I don’t need a prince -- just a staircase.

  PRINCE SHELDON

  (to Jack)

  Tell her she’s making a big mistake.

  RAPUNZEL

  (to Luna)

  Tell him the only mistake was waiting around for him.

  (beat)

  I have two words for you, Sheldon: THE END.

  PRINCE SHELDON

  You know what? I don’t need you and your fancy salon conditioner, and your dandruff phobia. I’m tired of finding your hair in my sink all the time. I just passed Little Miss Muffet on her tuffet, and I bet she’d be HAPPY to share her curds and whey!

  He exits.

  LUNA

  (to Jack)

  You can’t just let him walk off!

  PRINCE JACK

  Yes, I can! I need to find Felicity!

  LUNA

  How do you have any hope of finding true love if you won’t help anyone else find it?

  PRINCE JACK

  Okay, okay.

  (to Sheldon, offstage)

  Hey, Sheldon -- by any chance, are you afraid of spiders?

  SONG 15: DISENCHANTED

  RAPUNZEL:

  Call me naïve in my tall ivory tower,

  waiting and waiting with each passing hour,

  nothing to do as my hair slowly grew,

  pining away for a guy who didn’t come.

  What did I get but a braid and a headache?

  Which slowly spread to a wish-I-were-dead ache.

  Swore to myself this was bad for my health,

  that I would never again act quite so dumb.

  Guess you could say I’m a bit disenchanted.

  Don’t wanna wait for my wish to be granted.

  Time to rescue myself because I cannot believe

  that fairy tales come true.

  That scenic view from my room wasn’t rosy,

  locked in a cell that was less and less cozy.

  And it got worse when I tried to converse

  with bats and bugs who rarely answered back.

  Stuck
in a prison, a girl can go crazy.

  Some of the details have gotten quite hazy.

  Knew it was time for this sister to climb

  down and get my future on its track.

  Guess you could say I’m a bit disenchanted.

  Don’t wanna wait for my wish to be granted.

  Time to rescue myself because I cannot believe

  that fairy tales come true.

  LUNA:

  When it comes to love, you shoot for the stars.

  When it comes to love, no journey’s too far.

  Love is worth waiting for.

  Love

  conquers all

  right from the moment you fall.

  RAPUNZEL:

  Honey, don’t wait for some grand love affair.

  Just wash that man right out of your hair.

  Know in my heart that I have to be smart,

  stop falling for a prince with just one glance.

  LUNA:

  You read the stories while still in your cradle.

  Life without love: it can often be fatal.

  Some knucklehead who’s not easily led:

  maybe he deserves a second chance.

  BOTH:

  Every word he whispers

  is a secret tune.

  Every one of his kisses, I know,

  will send me over the moon.

  Maybe I won’t be disenchanted.

  Change the story so it’s not slanted.

  I can rescue myself because I still believe

  that fairy tales come true.

  SCENE 4: The bear cave

  DURING SCENE CHANGE:

  NEWSBOY

  Social Services condemns living conditions of large family in a shoe. . .Read all about it!

  Jean-Claude enters with a bowl.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Ah, bonjour, Mademoiselle. I’ve brought you some porridge.

  FELICITY

  Porridge?

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Oui. It’s not very exciting, but at least it’s not too hot or too cold.

  Felicity takes the bowl.

  FELICITY

  Thank you for being so kind to me. Especially when I’ve been so rude.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  My master -- you know, he wasn’t always this way.

  FELICITY

  You mean a giant?

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  He prefers “vertically gifted.”

  (beat)

  I’m just saying. . .underneath all that. . .height. . .he’s not so bad.

  HUGO (O.S.)

  I mean it, Little Boy Blue. I don’t care if you’re Louis Armstrong! You pick up that stupid horn again, and I’m calling the cops!

  He stumbles onto the stage.

  HUGO (CONT’D)

  (sourly)

  Oh, great. It’s you.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  (stands, to Felicity)

  I’m just saying.

  He exits.

  FELICITY

  I. . .want to thank you. For saving my life in the woods.

  HUGO

  If I’d known you were like the rest of them, I would have left you there.

  FELICITY

  The rest of who?

  HUGO

  All those silly girls who only care about looks.

  FELICITY

  You don’t know anything about me!

  HUGO

  I know you can’t stand to be in the same room as me. In some cultures, you know, I’d be considered tall, dark, and handsome.

  FELICITY

  You’re tall, all right. And when it’s dark, you’re handsome.

  HUGO

  Well, at least I’m not deaf, dumb, and BLONDE.

  FELICITY

  Can you get satellite reception up there?

  HUGO

  Oh, I guess that last insult went over your head. . .

  FELICITY

  Fee Fie Foe Fum.

  They growl at each other.

  SONG 16: DRIVING ME CRAZY

  FELICITY:

  Never felt like this before.

  My blood pressure’s starting to soar.

  These are feelings I can’t ignore.

  It’s true he’s driving me crazy!

  HUGO:

  Must confess that this is a first.

  Feel my head is going to burst.

  And I think it’s gonna get worse.

  It’s true she’s driving me crazy!

  FELICITY: He’s a few puppies shy of a pet shop.

  HUGO: She’s several links short of a chain.

  FELICITY: He’s eating with a single chopstick.

  HUGO: Her silo’s missing all its grain.

  FELICITY: The oven’s on, but nothing’s cooking.

  HUGO: One taco’s gone from her lunch plate.

  FELICITY: Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

  HUGO & FELICITY: It’s true, it’s you I hate!

  FELICITY:

  Maybe, you could take a long walk off a short pier.

  Baby, how I wish you weren’t here!

  FELICITY:

  HUGO:

  Maybe,

  Must confess that this is a first.

  you could take a long

  Feel my head is going to burst.

  walk off a short pier.

  Baby,

  And I think it’s gonna get worse.

  It’s true you’re driving

  It’s true you’re driving

  me crazy!

  me crazy!

  FELICITY: I think the cheese slid off his cracker.

  HUGO: She’d move to Phoenix and build an igloo.

  FELICITY: He fell out of his family tree.

  HUGO: Is that your shoe size or IQ?

  FELICITY: He’s several feet short of the runway.

  HUGO: She’s fishing but she’s missing bait.

  FELICITY: He’s just a few clowns shy of a circus.

  HUGO & FELICITY:

  It’s true, it’s you I hate!

  Never felt like this before,

  but it’s you I do abhor.

  And I will forevermore.

  It’s true you’re driving me crazy.

  It’s true you’re driving me crazy!

  SCENE 5: The Enchanted Forest

  DURING SCENE CHANGE:

  NEWSBOY

  Extra! Extra! Giant beanstalk prompts organic farmers to protest in front of [name of local grocery store]!

  The trees are standing at attention.

  TREE 2

  Did you hear about the snare drum and the cymbals that fell out of the tree?

  DRUM: Badummmm TSSSSSH.

  Luna and Prince Jack enter.

  PRINCE JACK

  Prince Sheldon and Rapunzel agreed to do couples counseling with Mother Goose. She’s good. She got Jack Be Nimble to kick his pyromania habit.

  LUNA

  I hope it works out for them. There’s nothing like true love.

  PRINCE JACK