Over the Moon Read online

  PINOCCHIO

  It’s from Jack and Jill. They feel their property is too steep to be safe and would like to trade it for another plot of land.

  FEROCIA

  The ingrates. Give them [name of rival town or school].

  Prince Jack and Luna enter.

  FEROCIA (CONT’D)

  Did I miss something? Is this bring-an-urchin-to-work day? Honestly, Jack, your little. . .sidekick. . .can wait outside with all the other minions waiting to brighten their lives with a glimpse of me. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  Aunt Ferocia, you’ll never guess what I’ve decided to do. I’m going to throw a ball. I want everyone in the kingdom invited!

  (to Luna)

  Come on. We’ve got a lot to do.

  They exit.

  FEROCIA

  I think this is a splendid idea.

  PINOCCHIO

  You. . .you do?

  FEROCIA

  Of course. And Pinocchio -- you heard my nephew. EVERYONE in the kingdom -- EVERYONE -- is to be invited.

  PINOCCHIO

  You mean. . .?

  FEROCIA

  EXACTLY.

  SCENE 10: The bear cave

  The Hairy Godmother steps onto the side of the stage; Pinocchio walks in circles as the scenery gets changed.

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  So the little wooden puppet --

  PINOCCHIO

  I’m a real BOY!

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  Yeah, whatever -- marched bravely through the Enchanted Forest to the lair of the three bears, and their overgrown houseguest. . .

  Pinocchio knocks on the door, and Mama Bear answers it.

  MAMA BEAR

  You’re too early.

  She slams the door; Papa Bear answers it.

  PAPA BEAR

  You’re too late.

  Slams door; Baby Bear opens it.

  BABY BEAR

  (flirting)

  I think you’re JUUUUUUST on time.

  PINOCCHIO

  Yeah? You wanna go see a movie this weekend? No strings attached. . .

  Jean-Claude pushes Baby Bear out of the way.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Can I help you?

  PINOCCHIO

  I’m here to speak to --

  He breaks off as the giant appears.

  HUGO

  What do YOU want?

  PINOCCHIO

  I. . .I. . .um. . .

  He shoves the invitation at Jean-Claude and runs away.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Ouch! He gave me a splinter!

  (reading)

  We’ve been invited to a ball.

  HUGO

  Very funny. What does it really say?

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  See for yourself.

  HUGO

  (reading the paper)

  It’s a trap.

  BABY BEAR

  Mama, can we go? Do you think that cute puppet who was just here will be at the ball too?

  PINOCCHIO (O.S.)

  I’M A REAL BOY!

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Hang on a second. If everyone in the kingdom is going to be there, then everyone in the kingdom will have the chance to see that you’re civilized -- not a terrifying, hideous beast. And who knows? Maybe there’s a jolie fille looking for a man who can reach the highest kitchen shelf!

  HUGO

  I’m not going.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  But master, you --

  HUGO

  Leave me be. All of you!

  He runs away.

  SCENE 11: Town of Hanoveria

  DURING SCENE CHANGE:

  NEWSBOY

  Royal ball tonight! Tickets going fast!

  SONG 10: ROYAL BALL

  ALL:

  Fasten your finest diamonds, iron your gown.

  We’re getting ready for a night on the town.

  Dancing and singing in that big royal hall.

  We’re gonna have a ball!

  Wonder if they’ll serve a meal for lunch.

  Wonder if they’ll spike the cranberry punch.

  Wonder if I’ll get to dance with the queen.

  Can’t wait to see and to be seen!

  Fasten your finest diamonds, iron your gown.

  We’re getting ready for a night on the town.

  Dancing and singing in that big royal hall.

  We’re gonna have a ball!

  Wonder if all of the bathtubs are gold.

  Wouldn’t that be quite a sight to behold?

  Wonder if I’ll cut the rug with the prince.

  Can’t wait to drop a couple hints!

  DANCE BREAK

  . . .The style!. . .The smile!

  . . .The face!. . .Your Grace!

  . . .The dress!. . .Success!

  I’ve always thought I’d make great royalty,

  grafted right onto that family tree.

  A turn on the dance floor, a few fancy spins;

  this could be how it all begins!

  Fasten your finest diamonds, iron your gown.

  We’re getting ready for a night on the town.

  Dancing and singing in that big royal hall.

  We’re gonna have a ball!

  We’re gonna have a ball!

  SCENE 12: The Enchanted Forest. There is a sign that says

  CASTLE (one way) and SCARY PLACE (other way).

  HUMPTY DUMPTY sits on a wall, wearing a Harley-Davidson jacket. Felicity enters.

  FELICITY

  The ball started an hour ago. . .but I’m lost. If only I could find someone who could point me in the right direction. . .

  (spies Humpty)

  Oh no! Don’t jump!

  HUMPTY DUMPTY

  What’s life without a thrill, man?! That’s why I’ve been coasting the coast on my Harley -- without a helmet. Live free or die, man!

  FELICITY

  Could you direct me to the castle?

  HUMPTY DUMPTY

  I think it’s that way.

  (points)

  Unless it’s that way.

  (points)

  Sorry -- after inhaling all that exhaust, I’m a little bit scrambled.

  FELICITY

  Hang on a second, aren’t you Humpty Dumpty? Didn’t you have a bad fall?

  HUMPTY DUMPTY

  Yeah, but it was an AWESOME summer.

  (laughing)

  Sometimes I crack myself up! Whatsa matter? Can’t you take a yolk?

  He falls backward.

  HUMPTY DUMPTY (CONT’D)

  AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

  FELICITY

  Oh no! Should I call all the king’s horses and all the king’s men?

  HUMPTY DUMPTY

  No, you dimwit! Call 911!

  FELICITY

  Help! Help!

  As she’s running, the SCARY MUSIC (SONG 11) starts, and trees come out behind her, and WOLVES crawl up the aisles of the audience.

  FELICITY (CONT’D)

  Oh no. . .I think I’m even more lost than I was when I started. . .

  The wolves close in on her, dancing around her.

  She screams and goes down beneath their fangs and claws. Just then, Hugo arrives and throws them off Felicity. He lifts her into his arms and carries her offstage.

  ACT TWO

  SCENE 1: Ferocia’s castle

  Full cast mills about at the ball.

  Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella come forward.

  SNOW WHITE

  I cannot believe I finally get a night out of the house and I have to bring the kids with me. Which reminds me -- have you seen Grumpy and Sneezy?

  On the other side of stage, Grumpy and Sneezy stand by the punch bowl and giggle as they drop in a frog.

  EUNICE

  (shrieks)

  Ewww! What’s that frog doing in the punch bowl!?

  GRUMPY & SNEEZY

  The backstroke!

  SNOW WHITE

  Grumpy. . .Sneezy! I told you. . .no pets allowed out of th
e cottage!

  She hurries off, grabs her children’s hands, and moves away.

  SLEEPING BEAUTY

  So, now that we’re here, what do you want to do first?

  CINDERELLA

  (looking around)

  The bathrooms. Then the dusting, and I’ll finish up with the vacuuming.

  Luna and Prince Jack enter.

  PRINCE JACK

  Leo, why isn’t Felicity here yet?

  As Jack searches for Felicity, Li’l Red From The Hood approaches.

  LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD

  Yo. . .like the grills. You go to [name of local orthodontist] too?

  (beat)

  I’m Li’l Red From The Hood. Word.

  PRINCE JACK

  Um, hello.

  LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD

  Fo’ shizzle.

  GOLDILOCKS approaches.

  GOLDILOCKS

  Beat it, Red.

  LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD

  (to Jack)

  Facebook me, homey. . .

  GOLDILOCKS

  Hi, Jack. Remember me? You caught me breaking into the castle once?

  PRINCE JACK

  Goldilocks?

  GOLDILOCKS

  I knew you wouldn’t be able to forget.

  LI’L RED FROM THE HOOD

  That’s because you’re on all those WANTED posters, fool.

  GOLDILOCKS

  FYI, it’s a misdemeanor!

  The OLD WOMAN WHO LIVES IN A SHOE approaches.

  OLD WOMAN WHO LIVES IN A SHOE

  Look, sonny, I’m gonna give it to you straight. In this economy, I had to downsize to a flip-flop. I may not be as young as these two, but I get a senior discount at [name of local movie theater]!

  PRINCE JACK

  Ladies. . .excuse me. . .

  A commotion, as Pinocchio runs in carrying a bloody cloak.

  PRINCE JACK (CONT’D)

  That’s Felicity’s!

  PINOCCHIO

  I found it in the Enchanted Forest.

  FEROCIA

  The only beast capable of that kind of destruction is the giant.

  Everyone gasps.

  LUNA

  I’m sorry, Prince Jack.

  PRINCE JACK

  I don’t believe it.

  (beat)

  Don’t you see, Leo? This is all part of the fairy tale. The middle bit, where the hero is tested before he gets the girl! We’ll hunt down the giant and find her!

  SONG 12: THE HUNT SONG

  GROUP 1:

  Grab a pitchfork. Grab a rake.

  Grab whatever you can take.

  Time to fight, for heaven’s sake,

  tonight.

  We are standing side by side.

  Cannot be preoccupied.

  We will not be terrified

  tonight.

  No time to misunderstand,

  offer up a reprimand.

  He has blood upon his hand

  tonight.

  It will take us all to make a giant fall.

  GROUP 2:

  We will hunt the giant.

  We will hunt the giant.

  We have heard the wake-up call.

  It’s long past the time

  to make him fall.

  JACK & LUNA:

  Now at last a golden opportunity

  to show the one I love how much s/he means to me.

  I will not stop until s/he sees

  That I love him/her above all.

  COMBINED

  COMBINED FASTER

  At the end, everyone leaves but Ferocia and Pinocchio.

  FEROCIA

  Well, that’s a stroke of luck. Pinocchio, come along. It’s my favorite time of the day -- when I walk through the [name of local business] parking lot and tow away the cars of people who aren’t inside shopping.

  As they exit, Ferocia smacks into the Hairy Godmother.

  FEROCIA (CONT’D)

  Pinocchio, make a note -- the kingdom needs bigger bug zappers.

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  I’m not a mosquito. I’m a hairy godmother.

  PINOCCHIO

  Don’t you mean a FAIR-

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  It’s a TYPO!

  They shrug and exit.

  HAIRY GODMOTHER (CONT’D)

  Meanwhile, in a cave far, far away. . .

  SCENE 2: The bear cave

  The three bears, Jean-Claude, and Hugo stare at Felicity, who’s fast asleep.

  MAMA BEAR

  Someone’s been sleeping in my bed.

  PAPA BEAR

  Someone’s been sleeping in MY bed.

  BABY BEAR

  Someone’s been --

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Oui, we have all heard it before. There’s an unconscious girl on your pillow. Get over it.

  HUGO

  I should have left her in the Enchanted Forest.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Well, maybe not. Perhaps this is a lucky break. It is not often that a beautiful girl comes to the cave.

  Felicity STIRS and SIGHS.

  JEAN-CLAUDE (CONT’D)

  She is waking up! Quickly, get ready! Remember what we practiced!

  HUGO

  This won’t work.

  FELICITY

  Wh. . .where am I?

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Places, everyone!

  (beat)

  Bonjour, Mademoiselle. I am Jean-Claude, and we would like to welcome you to. . .our little château. True, it may not be Versailles, but it beats the [name of a run-down local establishment]!

  SONG 13: HOME SWEET HOME

  JEAN-CLAUDE:

  I know that you feel scared and alone,

  feel like you are on your own.

  I know that you think this is the end.

  My lady you are among friends.

  SACRE BLEU!

  JEAN-CLAUDE & THREE BEARS:

  Though we know your fate is scary,

  no need to be solitary.

  As you see us all performing,

  think of this as your housewarming.

  This is our home, sweet home.

  Please do feel free to roam. As it will soon be known,

  Home, sweet home!

  So there’s cobwebs in the corner.

  Please don’t feel like you’re a foreigner.

  If the ambience is lacking,

  that’s no reason to start packing.

  This is our home, sweet home.

  Please do feel free to roam.

  As it will soon be known,

  Home, sweet home!