Harvesting the Heart Read online

  Acknowledgments

  I am grateful to all the professionals who willingly shared their time and their expertise: Dr. James Umlas, Dr. Richard Stone, Andrea Greene, Frank Perla, Eddie LaPlume, Troy Dunn, Jack Gaylord, and Eliza Saunders. For their help with fact checking, baby-sitting, and brainstorming, thanks also to Christopher van Leer, Rebecca Piland, Kathleen Desmond, Jane Picoult, Jonathan Picoult, and Timothy van Leer. Special thanks to Mary Morris and Laura Gross, and a standing ovation to Caroline White--who is as wonderful an editor as she is a friend.

  Harvesting the Heart

  prologue

  Paige

  Nicholas won't let me into my own house, but I have been watching my family from a distance. So even though I've been camping out on the front lawn, I know exactly when Nicholas takes Max into the nursery to change his diaper. The light switches on--it's a little dinosaur lamp that has a shade printed with prehistoric bones--and I see the silhouette of my husband's hands stripping away the Pampers.

  When I left three months ago, I could have counted on one hand the number of times Nicholas had changed a diaper. But after all, what did I expect? He had no choice. Nicholas has always been a master at emergency situations.

  Max is babbling, strings of syllables that run together like bright beads. Curious, I stand up and climb the low branches of the oak that stands closest to the house. With a little bit of effort, I can pull myself up so that my chin is level with the sill of the nursery. I have been

  in the dark for so long that when the yellow light of the room washes over me, I keep blinking.

  Nicholas is zipping up Max's blanket sleeper. When he leans close, Max reaches up, grabs his tie, and stuffs it in his mouth. It is when Nicholas pulls the tie away from our son that he sees me at the window. He picks up the baby and deliberately turns Max's face away. He strides over to the window, the only one close enough to look into, and stares at me. Nicholas does not smile, he does not speak. Then he pulls the curtains closed, so that all I can see is a line of balloons and ponies and elephants playing trombones--all the smiling images I painted and prayed to when I was pregnant, hoping fairy tales could calm my fears and guarantee my son a happy childhood.

  On this night when the moon is so white and heavy that I cannot sleep without fearing I will be crushed, I remember the dream that led me to my missing mother. Of course I know now that it was not a dream at all, that it was true, for whatever that is worth. It is a memory that started coming after Max was born--the first night after his delivery, then the week we brought him home--sometimes several times a night. More often than not, I would be picturing this memory when Max awakened, demanding to be fed or changed or taken care of, and I am embarrassed to say that for many weeks I did not see the connection.

  The watermarks on the ceiling of my mother's kitchen were pale and pink and shaped like purebred horses. There, my mother would say, pointing over our heads as she held me on her lap, can you see the nose? the braided tail? We called each other's attention to our horses daily. At breakfast, while my mother unloaded the dishwasher, I'd sit on the Formica countertop and pretend the fine china chime of bowl against mug was a series of magical hoofbeats. After dinner, when we sat in the dark, listening to the bump and grind of the laundry in the double-stacked washer and dryer, my mother would kiss the crown of my head and murmur the names of places our horses would take us: Telluride, Scarborough, Jasper. My father, who at that time was an inventor moonlighting as a computer programmer, would come home late and find us asleep, just like that, in my mother's kitchen. I asked him several times to look, but he could never see the horses.

  When I told this to my mother, she said that we'd just have to help him. She held me high on her shoulders one day as she balanced on a low stool. She handed me a black marker with the powerful scent of licorice and told me to trace what I saw. Then I colored the horses with the crayons from my Wal-Mart 64-pack--one brown with a white star, one a strawberry roan, two bright orange-dappled Appa-loosas. My mother added the muscular forelegs, the strain of the backs, the flying jet manes. Then she pulled the butcher-block table to the center of her kitchen and lifted me onto it. Outside, summer hummed, the way it does in Chicago. My mother and I lay beside each other, my small shoulder pressed to hers, and we stared up at these stallions as they ran across the ceiling. "Oh, Paige"--my mother sighed peacefully--"look at what we've accomplished."

  At five, I did not know what "accomplished" meant, nor did I understand why my father was furious and why my mother laughed at him. I just knew that the nights after my mother had left us I would lie on my back on the kitchen table and try to feel her shoulder against mine. I would try to hear the hills and valleys of her voice. And when it had been three full months, my father took whitewash and rolled it across the ceiling, erasing those purebreds inch by lovely inch, until it looked as if the horses, and even my mother, had never been there.

  The light in the bedroom flashes on at 2:30 a.m., and I have a little surge of hope, but it goes off as quickly as it was turned on. Max is quiet, no longer waking three or four times a night. I shimmy out of the sleeping bag and open the trunk of my car, fish through jumper cables and empty diet Coke cans until I find my sketch pad and my cont'e sticks.

  I had to buy these on the road; I couldn't even begin to tell you where in my house I buried the originals when it became clear to me that I could not attend art school and also take care of Max. But I started sketching again when I was running away. I drew stupid things: the Big Mac wrappers from my lunch; a Yield sign; pennies. Then, although I was rusty, I tried people--the checkout girl at the minimart, two kids playing stickball. I drew images of Irish heroes and gods I'd been told of my whole life. And little by little, the second sight I've always had in my fingers began to come back.

  I have never been an ordinary artist. For as long as I can remember, I've made sense of things on paper. I like to fill in the spaces and give color to the dark spots. I sketch images that run so close to the edges of the page, they are in danger of falling off. And sometimes things are revealed in my drawings that I do not understand. Occasionally I will finish a portrait and find something I never meant to draw hidden in the hollow of a neck or the dark curve of an ear. I am always surprised when I see the finished products. I have sketched things I should not know, secrets that haven't been revealed, loves that weren't meant to be. When people see my pictures, they seem fascinated. They ask me if I know what these things mean, but I never do. I can draw the image, but people have to face their own demons.

  I do not know why I have this gift. It doesn't come with every picture I draw. The first time was in the seventh grade, when I drew a simple Chicago skyline in art class. But I had covered the pale clouds with visions of deep, empty halls and gaping doors. And in the corner, nearly invisible, was a castle and a tower and a woman in the window with her hands pressed to her heart. The sisters, disturbed, called my father, and when he saw the drawing he turned white. "I didn't know," he said, "that you remembered your mother so well."

  When I came home and Nicholas would not let me in, I did the next best thing--I surrounded myself with pictures of my husband and my son. I sketched the look on Nicholas's face when he opened the door and saw me; I sketched Max where he sat in Nicholas's arms. I taped these two on the dashboard of my car. They are not technically good, but I have captured the feeling, and that is something.

  Today, while I was waiting for Nicholas to come home from the hospital, I drew from memory. I did sketch after sketch, using both sides of the paper. I now have more than sixty pictures of Nicholas and Max.

  I am working on a sketch I began earlier this night, and I am so wrapped up in it that I don't see Nicholas until he steps onto the front por
ch. He is haloed in soft white light. "Paige?" he calls. "Paige?"

  I move in front of the porch, to a spot where he can see me. "Oh," Nicholas says. He rubs his temples. "I just wanted to see if you were still here."

  "I'm still here," I say. "I'm not going anywhere."

  Nicholas crosses his arms. "Well," he says, "it's a little late for that." I think for a moment he is going to storm inside, but he pulls his robe tighter around himself and sits down on the porch step. "What are you doing?" he says, pointing to my sketch pad.

  "I've been working on you. And Max," I say. I show him one of the sketches I did earlier.

  "That's good," he says. "You always were good at that."

  I cannot remember the last time I heard Nicholas giving me credit for something, anything, a job well done. He looks at me for a second, and he almost lets his guard down. His eyes are tired and pale. They are the same color blue as mine.

  In just that second, looking at Nicholas, I can see a younger man who dreamed of getting to the top, who used to come home and heal in my arms when one of his patients died. I can see, reflected, the eyes of a girl who used to believe in romance. "I'd like to hold him," I whisper, and at that Nicholas's stare turns dark and shuttered.

  "You had your chance," he says. He stands and goes into our house.

  By moonlight, I work on my sketch. The whole time, I am wondering whether Nicholas is having trouble sleeping, too, and how angry he'll be tomorrow when he's not one hundred percent. Maybe because my attention is divided, my picture turns out the way it does. It's all wrong. I have captured the likeness of Max--his sticky fists,

  his spiky velvet hair--but something is completely off. It takes me a few minutes to figure it out. This time, instead of drawing Max with Nicholas, I have drawn him with me. He sits in the curve of my arm, grabbing for my hair. To an outsider, the picture would be fine.

  But hidden in the purple hollow of Max's outstretched palm is a faint woven circle of leaves and latticework. And in its center I've drawn the image of my running mother, who holds, like an accusation, the child I did not have.

  Part I: Conception

  1985-1993

  chapter 1

  Paige

  hen I least expected to, I found Mercy. It was a diner on a seedy side street in Cambridge, and its clients were mostly students and professors who wanted to go slumming. I was down to my last twenty. The previous night I had realized that no one in their right mind would hire me as a nanny without references and that I wasn't going to get into art school on a smile and a song and my meager portfolio. So at five-thirty in the morning I squared up my shoulders and walked into Mercy, praying to a God I had wondered about my entire life that indeed this place would be my deliverance.

  The diner was deceptively small and smelled of tuna fish and detergent. I moved to the counter and pretended to look at the menu. A large black man came out of the kitchen. "We ain't open," he said, and then he turned and went back inside.

  I did not look up from the menu. Cheeseburgers, clam patties,

  Greek antipasto. "If you aren't open," I said, "how come you unlocked the door?"

  It took several seconds for the man to answer, and when he did, he came right up to the spot where I was sitting and placed one beefy arm on the counter on either side of me. "Shouldn't you be going to school?" he said.

  "I'm eighteen." I tipped up my chin the way I had seen Katharine Hepburn do it in old black-and-white movies. "I was wondering if there might be a position available."

  "A position," the man said slowly, as if he'd never heard of the word. "Position." His eyes narrowed, and for the first time I noticed a scar that reminded me of barbed wire, all snaked and spiky, which ran along the length of his face and curled into the folds of his neck. "You want a job."

  "Well, yes," I said. I could tell from his eyes that he did not need a waitress, much less an inexperienced one. I could tell that at the present time he did not need a hostess or a dishwasher, either.

  The man shook his head. "It's too damn early for this." He turned and looked at me, seeing, I knew, how thin I was, how disheveled. "We open at six-thirty," he said.

  I could have left then. I could have gone back to the cool T station, the subway where I'd been sleeping these past few nights, listening to the soft violins of street musicians and the crazy screams of the homeless. But instead I took the grease-spattered paper that was clipped to the inside of the menu, listing yesterday's specials. The back was blank. I pulled a black marker from my knapsack and began to do the only thing I knew with confidence I could do well: I drew the man who had just dismissed me. I drew him from observation, peeking into a small pass-through that led to the kitchen. I saw his biceps curl and stretch as he pulled huge jars of mayonnaise and sacks of flour from shelves. I drew the motion, the hurry, and then when I drew his face I sketched it quickly.

  I pulled back to see the picture. Spread over the broad forehead of this man I had drawn the outline of a strong old woman, her shoulders stooped from work and from denial. She had skin the shade of bootleg coffee, and crossing her back were the memories of lashed scars, which turned and blended into the distinctive twisted scar of the man's own face. I did not know this woman, and I didn't understand why she had come out on the page. It wasn't my best drawing, I knew that, but it was something to leave behind. I placed the paper on the counter and went just outside the door to wait.

  Even before I had the power to sketch people's secrets, I had always believed I could draw well. I knew this the way some kids know they can catch pop flies and others can use felt and glitter to make the most creative covers for book reports. I always used to scribble. My father told me that when I was a toddler, I had taken a red crayon and drawn one continuous line around the walls of the house, at my eye level, skipping over the doorways and the bureaus and the stove. He said I did it just for the hell of it.

  When I was five, I found one of those contests in the TV Guide, the one where you sketch a cartoon turtle and send it in and they give you a scholarship to art school. I had just been doodling, but my mother saw my picture and said there was no time like the present for securing a college education. She was the one who mailed it in. When the letter came back congratulating me on my talent and offering me enrollment in the National Art School in a place called Vicksburg, my mother swept me off my feet and told me this was our lucky day. She said my talent was hereditary, obviously, and she made a big deal of showing off the letter to my dad at dinner. My father had smiled gently and said they sent a letter like that to anyone who they thought would put up the money for some phony school, and my mother had left the table and locked herself in the bathroom. Still, she hung the letter on the refrigerator, next to my damp finger painting and my noodle-glued collage. The letter disappeared the day she left, and I always wondered if it was something she'd taken because she knew she couldn't take me.

  I had been thinking a lot about my mother, much more than I had for several years. Part of it was because of what I had done before I left home; part of it was because I had left home. I wondered what my father thought. I wondered if the God he had so much faith in could tell him why the women in his life were always running away.

  When, at six-ten, the black man appeared in the doorframe, filling it, really, I knew already what the outcome would be. He stared at me, openmouthed and bothered. He held my portrait in one hand and stretched his other hand out to help me up from the sidewalk. "The breakfast crowd starts coming in twenty minutes," he told me. "And I expect you ain't got no idea about waiting tables."

  Lionel--that was the man's name--took me into the kitchen and offered me a stack of French toast while he introduced me to the dishwashing machine, the grill, and his brother Leroy, the head cook. He did not ask me where I was from, and he did not discuss salary, as if we had had a previous arrangement. Out of the blue, he told me that Mercy was the name of his great-grandmother and that she had been a slave in Georgia before the Civil War. She was the woman I'd draw
n across his mind. "But you must be a prophet," he said, " 'cause I don't tell people about her." He said that most of those Harvard types thought the diner's name was some kind of philosophical statement, and anyway, that kept them coming in. He wandered off, leaving me to wonder why white people named girl babies things like Hope and Faith and Patience--names they could never live up to-- and black mothers called their daughters Mercy, Deliverance, Salvation--crosses they'd always have to bear.

  When Lionel came back he handed me a clean, pressed pink uniform. He gave a once-over to my navy sweater, my knee socks, and my pleated skirt--which, after all this time, hadn't lost its industrial-strength folds. "I ain't gonna fight you if you say you're eighteen, but you sure as hell look like some prep-school kid," he said. He turned his back and let me change behind the stainless-steel freezer, and then he showed me how to work the cash register and he let me practice balancing plates up and down my arms. "I don't know why I'm doin' this," he muttered, and then my first customer came in.

  When I look back on it, I realize now that of course Nicholas had to have been my first customer. That's the way Fate works. At any rate, he was the first person in the diner that morning, arriving even before the two regular waitresses did. He folded himself--he was that tall--into the booth farthest from the door and opened his copy of the Globe. It made a nice noise, like the rustle of leaves, and it smelled of fresh ink. He did not speak to me the entire time I was serving him his complimentary coffee, not even when I splashed some onto the Filene's ad splayed across page three. When I came for his order, he said, "Lionel knows." He did not look up at me as he said this. When I brought his plate, he nodded. When he wanted more coffee, he just lifted his cup, holding it suspended like a peace offering until I came over to fill it. He did not turn toward the door when the sleigh bells on its knob announced the arrival of Marvela and Doris, the two regular waitresses, or any of the seven people who came for breakfast while he was there.