Over the Moon Read online

I guess you’d know. A guy as romantic as you must have a girlfriend.

  LUNA

  Oh, um. . .well. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  What’s she like?

  LUNA

  Well, uh, she’s. . .

  (looks at Jack)

  About this tall.

  (measures Jack’s height. As she talks, her light starts glowing)

  She’s got dark hair. . .and brown eyes you could drown in. . .and big strong arms that can bench-press an ox. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  Bench-press an ox?

  LUNA

  (flustered, light fading)

  Um. . .she’s the women’s wrestling champ in my village.

  PRINCE JACK

  She sounds great.

  (beat)

  Want me to carry your bag for a while? We’ve been walking for a long time.

  LUNA

  Oh! No, thanks, I’ve got it.

  PRINCE JACK

  What’s in there, anyway?

  LUNA

  Just a few essentials. Toothpaste. Tylenol. Whoopie cushion.

  PRINCE JACK

  You’re hiding something. Let me see.

  He reaches for the sack but Luna wrenches it away as it glows for a moment. Jack reels backward, bumping into THREE BLIND MICE wearing sunglasses who’ve stumbled onto the stage.

  MICKEY

  Hey! Watch where you’re going.

  PRINCE JACK

  I beg your pardon!

  (beat)

  Can you help me? I’m looking for a beautiful lady, who may have been attacked by a giant in these woods.

  MINNIE

  Have you seen her lately?

  PRINCE JACK

  No.

  ALGERNON

  Neither have we!!

  They all laugh.

  LUNA

  You must be the three blind mice.

  ALGERNON

  Hickory Dickory Dock, the mouse ran up the clock. . .the clock struck one, but the rest of us got away with minor eye injuries.

  MICKEY

  We’re the three visually challenged mice, if you don’t mind.

  ALGERNON

  I prefer “optically darker.”

  MINNIE

  Or “photonically non-receptive.”

  PRINCE JACK

  Frankly, I think this political correctness has gotten out of hand.

  SONG 17: THE PC SONG

  MICKEY, MINNIE & ALGERNON:

  INTRO:

  The world has changed -- these days

  you might find yourself in trouble

  to call a spade a spade,

  when it would rather be a shovel.

  I don’t know how it happened, but frankly I suspect

  we’ve gone too far to make ourselves politically correct.

  Red Riding Hood’s the one to blame for her incessant whining.

  The Big Bad Wolf was simply fond of inter-species dining.

  “What big teeth you have,” Red said, according to the fable.

  Should have said the wolf was orthodontically able.

  Come across three little pigs that you would like to greet.

  Refer to them instead as the Other White Meat.

  Mother Hubbard now is chronologically gifted.

  Seven dwarfs insist they’re only vertically unlifted.

  A hurricane’s a himmacane.

  A heroine’s a hero.

  A name can be a judgment call,

  so make sure that you’re clear, oh.

  It’s always hard to find a word

  on which we all agree.

  Don’t offend ’cause that’s the trend,

  Or else we’re not PC.

  Now we know that Cinderella just misunderstood.

  The evil stepmother has potential to be good.

  She’s not the only villain who’s been unfairly cursed.

  Those ugly stepsisters were cosmetically diverse.

  Jack Sprat’s wife was never fat, just differently weighted.

  Sleeping Beauty’s certain she was medically sedated.

  Amphibian American’s the new term for Frog Prince.

  And Goldilocks, she’s not a blonde, her hair just sometimes glints.

  A hurricane’s a himmacane.

  A heroine’s a hero.

  A name can be a judgment call,

  so make sure that you’re clear, oh.

  It’s always hard to find a word

  on which we all agree.

  Don’t offend ’cause that’s the trend,

  or else we’re not PC.

  (SLOW):

  No one ever argues, instead we all can share.

  No one’s ever bald, they’re follically impaired. . .

  If you want to tell yourself we live in harmony,

  don’t offend, ’cause that’s the trend.

  Make yourself PC.

  Make yourself PC.

  MICKEY

  We haven’t seen that girl of yours, but we’ll keep an eye out.

  ALGERNON

  Metaphorically speaking, of course.

  MINNIE

  Hey, kid, what’s in the bag?

  Luna’s light glows, and fades.

  LUNA

  Come on, Jack. We better keep going.

  They exit -- and the mice whip off their sunglasses and take out walkie-talkies.

  MINNIE

  This is Special Agent Cheddar. Do you read me, Pussycat?

  Pinocchio and Ferocia appear on the side of the stage.

  PINOCCHIO

  Your majesty, it’s the secure line.

  His nose grows, and he takes out a second phone from his pocket and listens in.

  FEROCIA

  Pussycat here. What have you got for me, Agent Cheddar?

  MINNIE

  The prince is on the move. I repeat, on the move. The Mousetrap has failed.

  They exit.

  FEROCIA

  (hanging up)

  Pinocchio, this calls for a disguise.

  I need to look like an old hag.

  (holds up her palm)

  DON’T say it.

  Pinocchio helps her dress as an old hag.

  FEROCIA (CONT’D)

  All I have to do is offer him something completely irresistible. . .a magical parking pass.

  (She brandishes it)

  One which just also happens to be poisoned.

  Luna and Jack reappear. On the side of the stage, Hairy Godmother enters and starts doing her nails.

  TREE 1

  I don’t feel good about this.

  TREE 2

  Me neither. I’m petrified.

  LUNA

  Maybe we should go back. . .

  PRINCE JACK

  We can’t. Felicity is still out there.

  An old woman appears (Ferocia), carrying a huge bag.

  FEROCIA

  Oh, my. I’m an old woman who’s weary and needs a moment of rest and who looks nothing at all like your auntie.

  PRINCE JACK

  Why, let me help you.

  He takes her arm. Luna pulls him away.

  LUNA

  Your highness, I don’t trust her.

  PRINCE JACK

  Leo, don’t be paranoid! This nice lady probably lost her way!

  FEROCIA

  Oh, that’s right. I know I have a bus schedule somewhere.

  (rummages through bag and pulls out pass)

  Why, look at what I found. A parking pass for a magical spot that appears anytime you need it on Main Street!

  Prince Jack’s head snaps forward. He is bewitched.

  PRINCE JACK

  Me likeeeeee. . .

  LUNA

  Don’t fall for it, Jack!

  FEROCIA

  Even at noontime!

  As Jack snatches it out of Ferocia’s hand, Luna cries out. Ferocia runs off as Jack begins to contort and groan.

  PRINCE JACK

  It’s. . .EXPIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!

  He dies.

 
; LUNA

  JAAAAAAAAAACK!!!

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  (sighs)

  I haven’t even finished my top coat.

  (dutifully)

  Meanwhile, back at the bear cave. . .

  LUNA

  Hang on a second, you can’t just leave him dead like this.

  The three mice stumble in across the stage.

  ALGERNON

  We don’t use the term “dead” anymore.

  MICKEY

  It’s “metabolically challenged.”

  MINNIE

  Or “living impaired.”

  They stumble offstage.

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  Honey, I’m in the business of midnight formalwear, not miracles. Although Cinderella came close. You should have seen her before I got hold of a pair of tweezers and a girdle. . .

  Cinderella enters.

  CINDERELLA

  (angry)

  Hey, you oversized moth: You. Me. Behind the carriage shed. Right now.

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  Kinda busy here. . .

  CINDERELLA

  And for the record, I do not have and never did have a unibrow!

  Makes a sassy gesture and flounces off.

  LUNA

  Can’t you wave your wand or something?

  HAIRY GODMOTHER

  Nope. His insurance won’t cover it.

  LUNA

  We have to do something!

  They pick up Jack’s arms and legs and drag him offstage.

  TREE 1

  Wait a second. . .the mice weren’t really blind? And Ferocia wants to kill her own nephew? And Cinderella had a unibrow?

  TREE 2

  Beats me. I’m stumped.

  SCENE 6: The bear cave garden

  DURING SCENE CHANGE:

  NEWSBOY

  Lost sheep found alive but dehydrated after surviving subzero temperatures overnight! Little Bo Peep overjoyed!

  Mama Bear and Felicity weed. Felicity pulls out a whole plant.

  MAMA BEAR

  Dear, the weeds are the things WITHOUT the flowers.

  FELICITY

  Oh. . .sorry.

  Hugo and Jean-Claude enter and watch the ladies.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  It’s just a little small talk.

  HUGO

  No wonder I stink at it.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Bonjour, how are you today?

  HUGO

  Fine, thanks.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Not you. Felicity.

  HUGO

  Well, how would I know? I’m not speaking to her!

  Jean-Claude SIGHS.

  JEAN-CLAUDE

  Mama Bear, can you help me in the kitchen?

  He pantomimes getting the other two together, and she nods and follows. Hugo sits and yanks a plant out by its neck.

  FELICITY

  You’re only supposed to pick the little green things on the ends.

  HUGO

  I hate beanstalks.

  FELICITY

  Come to think of it, I hate broccoli.

  She picks the broccoli and hurls it offstage. Hugo grins.

  HUGO

  Wow! You’ve got a great arm!

  FELICITY

  Well, um, it’s not like I practice my pitching or anything. That wouldn’t be very ladylike.

  HUGO

  Then you should steer clear of these hot peppers. A lady’s constitution is too delicate to handle them.

  He eats one.

  FELICITY

  Oh, REALLY?

  She eats two -- and then lets out an enormous burp. Hugo looks at her and burps even longer. Hugo grabs a watermelon, takes a bite, and spits a seed. He hands her a wedge of melon, and she does the same -- and spits it farther.

  HUGO

  (laughing)

  You’re incredible!

  FELICITY

  Yeah. I make a great guy. And a really lousy lady.

  HUGO

  Who cares?

  FELICITY

  Everyone, that’s who. I’m supposed to laugh daintily and rock a tiara and dance waltzes -- when I’d rather be fishing or hiking or skydiving.

  HUGO

  Skydiving!?

  FELICITY

  What? Are you afraid of heights?

  HUGO

  You gotta be kidding me.

  FELICITY

  I have to work so hard to be someone

  I’m not. . .it’s exhausting. Nobody ever sees the real me.

  HUGO

  (softly)

  I know what you mean.

  (beat)

  I don’t know much about wearing tiaras, but I can teach you to dance.

  FELICITY

  You don’t want to do that. At my last ball, I broke all eleven of my dance partner’s toes.

  HUGO

  Believe me -- I won’t feel a thing.

  SONG 18: DRIVING ME CRAZY (Reprise)

  FELICITY:

  Never felt like this before.

  My blood pressure’s starting to soar.

  These are feelings I can’t ignore.

  It’s true you’re driving me crazy.

  HUGO:

  Must confess that this is a first.

  Feel my head is going to burst.

  And I think it’s gonna get worse.

  It’s true you’re driving me crazy.

  (MUSICAL INTERLUDE)

  BOTH:

  Never felt like this before,

  but it’s you I do adore,

  and I will forevermore.

  It’s true you’re driving me crazy.

  It’s true you’re driving me crazy.

  SCENE 7: Ferocia’s castle

  DURING SCENE CHANGE:

  NEWSBOY

  Extra! Extra! Thanks to [Insert name of local shelter], elderly housewife and pet dog no longer face starvation!

  Ferocia is pacing when Pinocchio enters with the three mice. Eunice and Gertrude are reading by candlelight.

  PINOCCHIO

  It’s done, your majesty.

  FEROCIA

  You’re sure?

  MINNIE

  We saw it with our own eyes.

  MICKEY

  In a matter of speaking, anyway.

  ALGERNON

  It’s as clear as the braille on the wall: Jack is biologically defunct.

  PINOCCHIO

  Huh?